Being a Parent, Teen or Adult

This past Sunday we had our monthly Teen Parent meeting. We dicussed scenes from the MTV show Teen Mom. It is probably worth your time to watch at least the summary episode if you know a teen parent.

The interesting thing to me was that I found many of the things we talked about didn’t just relate to being a parent as a teenager. They were applicable to all parents, the difference for teens is the fact that they have so much life ahead of them.

For example, one thing they talked about centered around relationship problems for these young couples. WOW did that relate to me. I had no idea how much having kids would change the relationship I have with my wife. For many teens, especially the girl, they think that having a baby will give them security in their relationship. What happens too often is the guy realizes how hard having a kid is and without a marriage to be committed to he bails. Oh, he still cares for the baby and senses some responsibility but he is more interested in having someone that will focus on him and not the kids.

This leads to the second thing. I was in agreement at how different guys and girls attatchment to the new baby is. As men we feel a strong love but not nearly what the mom feels. One teen described it as an obligation that is sometimes a lot of fun and sometimes sucks. I can see this and I could definitely see it if I had kids in my teen years. What has to happen no matter when you have kids is to realize this is a choice you made and you have a responsibility to care for your whole family. As a man it is up to me to provide, keep safe, and raise my children to be good caring people and at the same time to continue to cherish my wife as I promised I would in our marriage vows.

The next piece that I noticed hit home more than the rest. It was how selfish some of the teen parents were. They wore their selfishness on their sleeve and had no remorse for saying they have a right to still be a teenager and go out and date, etc. The reality is that once you have kids, no matter what age, you give up your right to be selfish in the same way. You have chosen, like it or not, to be a parent and you are now responsible for another life. It is up to you to take care of that life as a mother and a father. Everything else is out the window.

Some poistives I saw were an emphasis on having a mom and dad. It is so important to have both. Some of these kids ended up where they are because they didn’t have a good model of what a caring loving relationship is. The other thing was encouraging these parents to have good support they can trust. Use that support to take breaks and take time for yourself. Yes this baby is your responsibility but if you don’t take care of yourself you will likely do a poor job caring for the baby as well.

SUMMARY.

• Parenting is the hardest and best thing you will ever do, don’t make it harder by getting pregnant before finishing high school.
• Certainly don’t try to do it alone.
• Be sure the relationship you’re in is able to hold up to being completely turned upside down with the addition of a beautiful new baby.

These are the kind of things that lead to a Life Lived Better, and that’s what we are all about.

Conquering the Hills

As we started training we realized that we didn’t really have any hills in our route. Which we were fine with but at the same time knew would hurt us if we ran a race where there were hills. So we decided to find some hills to help us with our training. We did and they were killer. I had such a hard time with those hills every time we ran them. Then we started training for another race coming up in November and we ran the hills again. I noticed I didn’t dread the hills as much as I had before. I commented about this to my running partner and he agreed. The more I thought about this I tried to think about how this could apply to helping us live life better.
My take is this. As I ran those hills more and more and ran some hills, bigger and smaller, my body got used to running them and my head realized that I could do it. The deal was it took time and doing something I didn’t want to do over and over again to reap the benefit that I finally got, just this past August. In life I think there are challenges that we face often. Maybe it is a person or a boss or a car that keeps breaking down. There are several things we can realize in this. One that we will get some benefit out of the situation. Whether it is learning to deal with people, submitting to authority, or being able to appreciate a new car even more after dealing with one that has problems all the time. For me it has been facing those challenges head on time after time when I don’t want to and finally reaping the benefit and knowing that I made it through a season or a rough time in my life. This increases my confidence and helps me know even more that I can face the next challenge without breaking.
Share your story of overcoming challenges in the comments. I’m always encouraged by reading about other peoples stories too. I hope you’re encouraged by mine.

Where is your worth found?

This really doesn’t need a lot of introduction. If you have 6 minutes it is well worth your time. If you have a daughter, like I do, it is even more worth your time. As you watch think about how you would share with your daughter, or a daughter you know, the importance of realizing where your worth lies. It is not in how you look, or how popular you are, but rather it is found in something, or someone, outside yourself.

The video disappeared from YouTube but you can find it through the link below.

I AM SECOND – ASHLEY

Don’t let what the world holds up as most important be what drives you. Find something more important and use it as your motivation to be who you know you should be. Let that be what helps you Live Life Better.

Leave a comment about what you think about the video or about what it is that helps you know who you are. Who knows maybe it will help someone else as well.

New times, New Baby

Two things are really on my mind right now.

1. We have a new baby. She will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. We already had 2 boys who we love and are the best ever but she completes our desire in having kids by being our baby girl. It reminds me of a couple of things. First, how much being a parent is about being selfless. I am reminded every day how much I have to give to take care of my kids, not because I have to but because I choose to and I love them more than I want to do what I want to do. Second, it is tough. I don’t want to be selfless all of the time. Sometimes (okay a lot) I want to do what I want to do. It is hard sometimes to remember that I don’t get to do that anymore and so I keep giving, again because I want to, not because I am being made to.

2. Our world is changing so fast. Things always change a lot, but we really are in a time when things are really changing. From MySpace to Facebook to Twitter and hundreds more, our world is so saturated with information and messages sometimes it is hard to filter through it all. This is not about finding out how to do that, but a suggestion to parents to make sure that you set the foundation for your kids before they start (which is very early). As a parent our job is to be proactive in helping our kids grow up. If we give them nothing before they jump into the world of media, we will fail because they will be so overwhelmed. The foundation must be set starting at day one. To do this you must know what your foundation is and then pass it on.

As you read through this you problem thought about the first moments with one of your kids and hopefully about what your foundation is. Share those thoughts and memories and help the rest of us work harder at better ourselves for the good of our kids.

Being A Parent

As Teen Lifeline continues to work with teens, there is that ever present parent factor. You know the one where you wish you could say just the right thing to the parent to help them better connect and guide their child(ren). A couple of things bring this home for me. I spent an hour or so at the CareNow clinic this weekend so that my 17 month old could get stitches for trying to fight with the bed frame (he lost). So he now has 4 stitches right between the eyes, which I am sure will be a scar to proudly show friends one day. Amid all that went into that happening, the nurse was putting a Sponge Bob band aid on his nose. As she did she asked if he liked Sponge Bob (to which I thought, really he is way too young). Good thing I didn’t say anything because she followed that with saying her 18 month old really likes it. I was a little stunned. Not enough to react but still stunned. Here her child can’t even talk yet and is already being influenced by Sponge Bob. I am not a fanatic against SB but the episodes I have seen tend to promote bad attitude and rude comments at the least. And one day she will wonder why her child has such a bad attitude and is so sarcastic, hmm let me guess.
The second was at the mall today. It was very much a first impression and so a judgement on my part. However, even if it didn’t apply here it does in other situations I’ve seen. My wife and I were eating at the food court with our boys and a family walked by. The mom was very lazily holding her baby and goofing off with whoever was with her. My wife and I looked at each other just thinking about, if she would hold the baby like that how well does she really care for it. Like I said this isn’t necessarily the case but there are definitely cases like that where parents really don’t care for their children well. The hard thing is it gets so much worse as they grow into teenagers and the repercussions are that too many times the cycle is repeated rather than avoided.
So for you parents out there that are looking for some help, here is one resource. A book by Dr. Walt Mueller that I have begun reading. It is called The Space Between. Just real quickly I want to wet your appetite for finding out more. At the end of chapter two he outlines what a parents job is. He says,

“My job as a parent is to seize the God-given opportunity to come alongside my kids, encourage and help them to make good decisions, support them, teach them, pray for them, and help them prioritize their “plates” so they can move through adolescence and on into the independence of a God-glorifying adulthood. In effect, parents are to gradually ease their children into taking ownership of their own lives.” (The Space Between, p. 35)

The thing is this should be a relief, but for so many parents it is not. They want to hold on and help their little ones as long as possible and then when they are ready to let go the child is still that, a child and doesn’t know what to do. Even as my oldest turns 3 I am already thinking about what I am doing to help him take ownership of his own life.

So here is my question for you as a parent, what are you doing to release your child rather than trying to shelter them? How can you start now preparing your son or daughter for the day that they will launch into their own future? The goal for them, and you, is to have a Life Lived Better.