Are you doing TOO MUCH for your kids?

Is that even possible as a parent? Of course it is. I see it happen often where parents continue to try to do things for their children that they should be able to do on their own. I guess this hit home with me when my son came home with a report card that said he wasn’t able to zip his own coat (or maybe it was button it) but either way that made me think about how I am training him to be able to do things on his own.

I hear from the children’s side often when they talk about parents doing things for them and having boundaries that are not age appropriate (like too strict for the age). When parents do this they are reinforcing a child’s reliance on them. Which is what leads to frustration on the part of the parent and the child. As children reach milestones in life both they and the parent are ready for them to be more responsible and to do things on their own. But how much of that lands on the parent either doing it for them or not training them to do it for themselves.

I know that when I talk to students in schools I tell them that I am already preparing my children to leave the house. I don’t mean that I am pushing them out or even that I will be ready for them to leave when they graduate but I do want them to be as prepared as they possible can. And if my wife and I are not the ones doing the primary preparing then who will?

Parents, I would suggest taking an inventory of what your child is able to do. Then compare that with their age and looking at what other children around them are able to do. Obviously you have to make good parental decisions in this, for example having age appropriate boundaries. With that in mind though, make sure that you are doing all you can to prepare your child for what the future holds. Making sure that your desire to keep them around is not crippling them and the responsibilities they need to have as they grow and mature.

Being a Parent, Teen or Adult

This past Sunday we had our monthly Teen Parent meeting. We dicussed scenes from the MTV show Teen Mom. It is probably worth your time to watch at least the summary episode if you know a teen parent.

The interesting thing to me was that I found many of the things we talked about didn’t just relate to being a parent as a teenager. They were applicable to all parents, the difference for teens is the fact that they have so much life ahead of them.

For example, one thing they talked about centered around relationship problems for these young couples. WOW did that relate to me. I had no idea how much having kids would change the relationship I have with my wife. For many teens, especially the girl, they think that having a baby will give them security in their relationship. What happens too often is the guy realizes how hard having a kid is and without a marriage to be committed to he bails. Oh, he still cares for the baby and senses some responsibility but he is more interested in having someone that will focus on him and not the kids.

This leads to the second thing. I was in agreement at how different guys and girls attatchment to the new baby is. As men we feel a strong love but not nearly what the mom feels. One teen described it as an obligation that is sometimes a lot of fun and sometimes sucks. I can see this and I could definitely see it if I had kids in my teen years. What has to happen no matter when you have kids is to realize this is a choice you made and you have a responsibility to care for your whole family. As a man it is up to me to provide, keep safe, and raise my children to be good caring people and at the same time to continue to cherish my wife as I promised I would in our marriage vows.

The next piece that I noticed hit home more than the rest. It was how selfish some of the teen parents were. They wore their selfishness on their sleeve and had no remorse for saying they have a right to still be a teenager and go out and date, etc. The reality is that once you have kids, no matter what age, you give up your right to be selfish in the same way. You have chosen, like it or not, to be a parent and you are now responsible for another life. It is up to you to take care of that life as a mother and a father. Everything else is out the window.

Some poistives I saw were an emphasis on having a mom and dad. It is so important to have both. Some of these kids ended up where they are because they didn’t have a good model of what a caring loving relationship is. The other thing was encouraging these parents to have good support they can trust. Use that support to take breaks and take time for yourself. Yes this baby is your responsibility but if you don’t take care of yourself you will likely do a poor job caring for the baby as well.

SUMMARY.

• Parenting is the hardest and best thing you will ever do, don’t make it harder by getting pregnant before finishing high school.
• Certainly don’t try to do it alone.
• Be sure the relationship you’re in is able to hold up to being completely turned upside down with the addition of a beautiful new baby.

These are the kind of things that lead to a Life Lived Better, and that’s what we are all about.

New times, New Baby

Two things are really on my mind right now.

1. We have a new baby. She will be 3 weeks old tomorrow. We already had 2 boys who we love and are the best ever but she completes our desire in having kids by being our baby girl. It reminds me of a couple of things. First, how much being a parent is about being selfless. I am reminded every day how much I have to give to take care of my kids, not because I have to but because I choose to and I love them more than I want to do what I want to do. Second, it is tough. I don’t want to be selfless all of the time. Sometimes (okay a lot) I want to do what I want to do. It is hard sometimes to remember that I don’t get to do that anymore and so I keep giving, again because I want to, not because I am being made to.

2. Our world is changing so fast. Things always change a lot, but we really are in a time when things are really changing. From MySpace to Facebook to Twitter and hundreds more, our world is so saturated with information and messages sometimes it is hard to filter through it all. This is not about finding out how to do that, but a suggestion to parents to make sure that you set the foundation for your kids before they start (which is very early). As a parent our job is to be proactive in helping our kids grow up. If we give them nothing before they jump into the world of media, we will fail because they will be so overwhelmed. The foundation must be set starting at day one. To do this you must know what your foundation is and then pass it on.

As you read through this you problem thought about the first moments with one of your kids and hopefully about what your foundation is. Share those thoughts and memories and help the rest of us work harder at better ourselves for the good of our kids.