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Tough, must have, discussions about Suicide and Depression
I am constantly having discussions with parents and school counselors and teachers about the students they see every day dealing with depression. I see in the news all to often about the latest teen suicide and know that as a parent that is not a conversation you want to have, much less one you know how to have. However, it is an important discussion to prepare for. If you don’t then who will? If someone else does how will you know what was said and how it was said?
The best case is to be prepared for when those conversations do come and these issues do need to be addressed.
I am thankful that there are many resources out there to help us as parents, counselors, teachers, and friends know how to do that. One such resource is Dr. Michele Borba. She is an expert in such matters and recently posted a blog directly related to this topic. I am reposting her steps to having this discussion with your teen with her permission. If you are interested in seeing the full blog post please visit this link, How to protect your child from sad news about teen suicide: Don’t
I hope this helps you or someone you know have this important discussion with your teen.
“1. Review the facts first. Chances are the teen suicide pact story will be discussed at school or amongst your child’s peers, so review the story before you talk. More often than not, the stories your child hears won’t be accurate and can fuel anxiety. That’s why you need to clarify the real facts.
2. Find the right time. Plan to talk with your teen about suicide and depression. Just make sure it’s a relaxed, uninterrupted time. Ideally you want to have this chat during a part of the day when your child is most receptive to talking.
3. Begin with a simple question or direct statement. A few ways to start the dialogue: “Have you heard the sad news about the girls who killed themselves?” or “What are your friends saying?” or “Let’s talk about what you just saw on the news.”Listen to your teen and follow his or her lead.
4. Be honest and direct, but careful. Give the details your child needs to know. Withhold facts or details that are not in your child’s best interests. Be prepared for lots of questions — or none at all. Clear up any misunderstandings about suicide, depression or death that your child may have. If you don’t have an answer, just admit you don’t know and say you’ll get back with the answer. The key is to keep that conversation going!
5. Describe depression.“Yes, it’s a sad story, but I want to talk to you about suicide and depression.” Your talking points might include stressing that depression is not a phase, nor something kids can shrug off by themselves. Depression is a serious disease that needs a medical doctor.
To help your child see the difference between normal sadness and depression, apply the word “too” to your talk: The sadnessis too deep. The depression lasts toolong or happens too often. It interferes with too many other areas of your life such as your home, school, friends. The best news is, when diagnosed early and properly treated, kids almost always feel better.
Stress to your teen: “If you ever feel so sad or scared or helpless, please come and tell me so we can work together to make things right. Depression is treatable.”
6. Be prepared to be unprepared. There is no way of predicting how your teen will respond to such a tough subject. The key is to answer any or all questions as they emerge. Let your teen know you are always available to listen or help.
7. Talk about cyber-bullying. Emphasize that you recognize bullying and cyberbullying is a growing and serious problem. Ask how often bullying is happening at school, what the school’s bullying policy is and how safe your child and her friends feel. Use the example from this tragic story to stress that cyber-bullying is painful and that intentionally causing another child pain is neveracceptable.
Use your chat as the opportunity to review your rules about the Internet and cell phone. Talk about the dangers posting anything that is hurtful — that there are no take backs and that hurtful actions can have horrific consequences.
Also stress that if your child is ever cyber-bullied to please come and tell you. Beware that tweens or teens say they fear telling parents because they do not want computer privileges removed. Be careful so you do not sound too punitive. Instead, stress that the child should print out the evidence and you will contact the server to change the passwords. Other blogs cover cyber-safety issues, how to monitor your child’s online history and signs your child is cyber-bullied.
8. Teach “Tattling” vs “Reporting.” When it comes to preventing tragedies, kids may well be the best metal detectors: the majority of adolescents who commit homicide or suicide share their intentions with a peer. Impress on your teen the importance of telling an adult “legitimate concerns” with the guarantee that their report will be taken seriously. Telling an adult that someone is hurt or could get in trouble is not the same as tattling: It’s acting responsibly. Explain that reporting is not to get a friend in trouble but to help them stay out of trouble or harm.
9. Discuss “safety nets.” Identify adults your child feels safe with, other people they can talk to when issues arise. Stress that people are always available to help your children or their friends with any kind of trouble. Mention the 24-hour confidential USA National Suicide hotline: 800-784-2433 or 800-273-8255, with trained people who can listen and help kids any hour of any day. Above all, emphasize: “No problem is so great that it can’t be solved.”
I will post signs of depression and links to past cyberbullying posts for your information. My hope is that you please use this tragic story to talk to your young teen or adolescent about suicide, depression and bullying. Depression is treatable. We need to make sure our children know they can come and talk to us about anything.
Now go have that conversation!”
Character Counts?
I spent some time last semester volunteering at the local high school. I try to do this at the beginning of every year because it allows me to connect with the administration, students, and often meet parents.
This year I sat at a table making copies of utility bills so that the school could verify residency in the district and occasionally made small talk with the student and their parent. It was a fairly uneventful few days but the relationships that are fostered are well worth the time.
Last Spring I was invited to be on a task force to address the issue of bullying in the schools. Really it was to address the issue of character and respect for those around you and a result of that would be that bullying would be less likely to happen.
With that conversation in the back of my mind it really stood out to me when I was sitting at my table and one of the principles brought around cold drinks to all the volunteers and staff working registration. It wasn’t a cart of drinks that had just been sitting out, it was iced down cold cokes and water that someone had taken the time to prepare for a refreshing afternoon thirst quencher. To me that was a pretty big deal. Then another day, I and several others were staying through lunch and another principle came around asking if we wanted pizza and a drink and bringing it out to those of us that never turn down a free meal.
This may not sound like a big deal to you but I believe it is and here’s why. If we as a culture see that students are having difficulty recognizing how to respect those around them and what it means to be a person of character, we have to first look in the mirror and see if we are modeling those traits for them. Whether they realized it or not, that is what these principles were doing, modeling. There were many students there the last day registering and helping out, and for them to see that even the principles (the authority) were willing to serve those around them is a really BIG deal.
Going through this school year my hope is that you will look for ways to serve those around you and realize that a BIG part of what you are doing is modeling what it means to respect others and to have character. In all this you are choosing to Live Life Better and at the same time you are making someone else’s life better as well.
Are you doing TOO MUCH for your kids?
Is that even possible as a parent? Of course it is. I see it happen often where parents continue to try to do things for their children that they should be able to do on their own. I guess this hit home with me when my son came home with a report card that said he wasn’t able to zip his own coat (or maybe it was button it) but either way that made me think about how I am training him to be able to do things on his own.
I hear from the children’s side often when they talk about parents doing things for them and having boundaries that are not age appropriate (like too strict for the age). When parents do this they are reinforcing a child’s reliance on them. Which is what leads to frustration on the part of the parent and the child. As children reach milestones in life both they and the parent are ready for them to be more responsible and to do things on their own. But how much of that lands on the parent either doing it for them or not training them to do it for themselves.
I know that when I talk to students in schools I tell them that I am already preparing my children to leave the house. I don’t mean that I am pushing them out or even that I will be ready for them to leave when they graduate but I do want them to be as prepared as they possible can. And if my wife and I are not the ones doing the primary preparing then who will?
Parents, I would suggest taking an inventory of what your child is able to do. Then compare that with their age and looking at what other children around them are able to do. Obviously you have to make good parental decisions in this, for example having age appropriate boundaries. With that in mind though, make sure that you are doing all you can to prepare your child for what the future holds. Making sure that your desire to keep them around is not crippling them and the responsibilities they need to have as they grow and mature.
Parent’s just don’t understand??
Yea, I totally get it. Many times parents don’t understand but there are many times they understand much more than their kids realize.
The other day I was browsing Twitter and ran across a lot of conversations about the new MTV show Skins . WOW! To my amazement a lot of the comments were about how bad the show was (not morally, just that it was a copy cat of the English version.) But then one comment caught my eye. Here it is:
This bothered me just a bit. For a company like MTV to reinforce the perception that “Parent’s don’t understand” without being able to qualify it, to me was just wrong. I agree parents often don’t understand but for them to put it out there in a <140 character message is only asking for trouble.
If you are reading this here is the thing to remember. MTV is out to make money, catch that? MTV is out to make money. They don’t care about you like your parents do. They could care less if you fill your mind with junk as long as their show sells. They have no investment in the effect a show like Skins could have on you and your friends. To many times this is the case not just with MTV, so watch out. Don’t be fooled by marketing ploys. Be smarter than that…because you are.
Get a wrap on summer.
School starts Monday for many people (though for some it has already begun). As you think about this past summer and all the activities your teenager participated in, how can you capitalize on how their, and your, time was spent? Many of these activities you didn’t participate in. And your kids are involved in all kinds of different things and in different ways. Whether it is movies, staying with friends (new and old), or summer camp, you need a way to wrap it all up and get the most out of what has happened to you and to them during these couple of months. This weekend is the perfect time to do that.
I was prompted to this idea by an email I got from ParenTeen.com about “How to welcome your teenager home from camp”. Follow the link below to read more of the suggestions they have on how to wrap up your summer well going into this school year.
Bullying
This past weekend I had the privilege of speaking at the iParenting Seminar in North Richland Hills. It was a privilege to work with several other non-profits and 4 school districts, one private school, & a church to put on a seminar for parents dealing with the transition years for their students.
Below are the slides from my presentation. I hope to add audio later to make it more clear what I am talking about but for now hopefully it will help you recognize bullying and if your child is bullied, as well as give you some practical ways to address this issue.
The resources listed are as follows:
The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander by Barbara Coloroso
Bullying, Then vs Now
(This is a guest post from our Executive Director, Chris Hatchett. It is taken from our most recent newsletter.)
The recent news reports on bullying have been shocking. One day there is a local article about a teen committing suicide in our area. This week the media has been following the case in the Northeast where they are actually indicting the teenagers who did the bullying. Teen Lifeline has great interest in this subject, as it is our goal to help teens on both sides of this issue. Bullying has always been present. The difference is that when I was in school, you could get away from the bullies. Today’s teens have few boundaries. Bullying that starts at school continues via cell phone or social networking. It can seem overwhelming – often leaving teens so helpless that suicide seems like their only way out.
Through our cell groups, Teen Lifeline gives hope to teens, helping them identify resources they can depend on for help – as well as developing the tools they need to cope with the stressors in their lives. In addition, we are working on a specific four-week curriculum that can be taught in churches or schools to help address the anger management issues that often lead to bullying. If you or someone you know is affected by this issue – please contact us. We want to help.
Resource Awareness
I have recently been spending a lot of time researching and locating resources. Specifically in the Fort Worth area. This process has helped me realize that there a lot of people out there needing resources and in many cases the resources are available. The problem is that it is hard to find many of them. Using an internet search leads to a long list of hits and confusing links to weed through.
Because of this I wanted to put out some guidelines I use when searching for resources helpful to teens and families.
1. Use your relationships with people to find resources. This is really the best way. By asking people who have been there (other parents) or people who work in the mental health or rehab field you will quickly find options to contact.
2. Search for related services that might be able to point you in the right direction. For example, you may not need a rehab facility but if you call them, they could refer you to other services. Even something like calling a local hospital may be helpful.
3. Think simple. You don’t have to use clinical terms to find “therapeutic rehabilitation facilities for adolescents”. You can simply search for difficult teen, teen challenge, or dealing with a teen and find resources that may be helpful.
4. Check out the resource. Not everyone is helpful or has been checked out. I recommend calling and/or visiting any resource you find before committing. Along with this I recommend checking out multiple places for comparison sake. You may find that you didn’t think of things to ask until you learn what else could be included.
If you still feel like you aren’t finding what you are looking for, here are some resources I frequently recommend.
ACH Services – Established in 1915, ACH offers lots of options for helping youth and families. Including a 24 hour toll free number 1.888.296.8099.
Sundance Behavioral Health Center – Offer classes for teens and parents on a multitude of issues.
Teen Challenge – A national faith based organization that works especially with drug issues for youth and adults.
You can also refer to our Resources page, as we try to keep this up to date with new resources we find.
For those that read, I recommend Donald Miller’s new book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I have not read anything like it in terms of helping you and your teen be intentional with how you live. Be informed, this is not a parenting book, it is a book about paying attention to how we live.
Leave a comment, letting us know how these things help you Live Life Better.
Being a Parent, Teen or Adult
This past Sunday we had our monthly Teen Parent meeting. We dicussed scenes from the MTV show Teen Mom. It is probably worth your time to watch at least the summary episode if you know a teen parent.
The interesting thing to me was that I found many of the things we talked about didn’t just relate to being a parent as a teenager. They were applicable to all parents, the difference for teens is the fact that they have so much life ahead of them.
For example, one thing they talked about centered around relationship problems for these young couples. WOW did that relate to me. I had no idea how much having kids would change the relationship I have with my wife. For many teens, especially the girl, they think that having a baby will give them security in their relationship. What happens too often is the guy realizes how hard having a kid is and without a marriage to be committed to he bails. Oh, he still cares for the baby and senses some responsibility but he is more interested in having someone that will focus on him and not the kids.
This leads to the second thing. I was in agreement at how different guys and girls attatchment to the new baby is. As men we feel a strong love but not nearly what the mom feels. One teen described it as an obligation that is sometimes a lot of fun and sometimes sucks. I can see this and I could definitely see it if I had kids in my teen years. What has to happen no matter when you have kids is to realize this is a choice you made and you have a responsibility to care for your whole family. As a man it is up to me to provide, keep safe, and raise my children to be good caring people and at the same time to continue to cherish my wife as I promised I would in our marriage vows.
The next piece that I noticed hit home more than the rest. It was how selfish some of the teen parents were. They wore their selfishness on their sleeve and had no remorse for saying they have a right to still be a teenager and go out and date, etc. The reality is that once you have kids, no matter what age, you give up your right to be selfish in the same way. You have chosen, like it or not, to be a parent and you are now responsible for another life. It is up to you to take care of that life as a mother and a father. Everything else is out the window.
Some poistives I saw were an emphasis on having a mom and dad. It is so important to have both. Some of these kids ended up where they are because they didn’t have a good model of what a caring loving relationship is. The other thing was encouraging these parents to have good support they can trust. Use that support to take breaks and take time for yourself. Yes this baby is your responsibility but if you don’t take care of yourself you will likely do a poor job caring for the baby as well.
SUMMARY.
- Parenting is the hardest and best thing you will ever do, don’t make it harder by getting pregnant before finishing high school.
- Certainly don’t try to do it alone.
- Be sure the relationship you’re in is able to hold up to being completely turned upside down with the addition of a beautiful new baby.
These are the kind of things that lead to a Life Lived Better, and that’s what we are all about.
To Save a Life Movie
Just a short post with more of a review to come. My wife and I recently had the opportunity to go see the To Save a Life movie. I was somewhat skeptical as it is a low budget film. However, the producers left nothing to be imagined. They tackled tough teen issues and didn’t leave out any of the details.
Here’s the trailer:
As we watched I thought how tough it must be for teenagers to deal with the pressures they do every day. I also thought about how many parents live in denial or are so checked out of their teens life that they have no idea what the teen is going through.
I have encountered many parents that say “They’re really a good kid”, I understand what they mean but I have found myself thinking, “No they aren’t”. No one is naturally good, we have to work at being good every day and teenagers have to be taught how to be good by mentors, parents, teachers, & coaches. If they don’t receive this guidance it makes it tough for them to be a good person as they grow up.
If you haven’t seen the movie, don’t put it off. It is well worth the money and time and movies like this need the support of us as movie goers. Click this link to Fandango to find local times and locations. To Save a Life movie